They Exist. Including in the name. Get Over It!.

There are many kinds of betrayal.

You can betray your country …..TREASON

You can betray your God(s)…..HERESY

You can betray your espoused convictions…..HYPROCRISY

You can betray your spouse…..INFIDELITY

You can betray yourself….INFINITE STUPIDITY GUARANTEED TO REBOUND ON YOUR ASS

This post is about infidelity….and self betrayal.

I call bullshit on the reasons people give for infidelity.

“You Aren’t There For Me’…..He/She/They “listen to me and you don’t. They “Get” me and you don’t.

If you aren’t being heard, scream, yell, kick throw things to get heard. If you are being heard but it doesn’t matter, get the hell out and then you are freee to do whatever you please. Otherwise, you are being a passive aggressive ass who doesn’t really want things to change. You just want to have an excuse to play around.

“You never lost the baby weight/got fat/ went gray/got old” . “They care about the way they look and you don’t”

Hey – taken a look at yourself lately? Are you the same person they married? Are you gray? Do you have crows feet? Do you keep yourself healthy? No? Hey, glass houses and stones. You married a person, not some airbrushed catalalogue model.

“You’ve changed!”

Yep – everyone and everything does. Even sharks keep moving forward or they die. If you haven’t changed, you’ve stagnated.

The thing is….once you have crossed the line, you will never, ever have the marriage back. Oh, you can be forgive, but there will never be complete trust. It will never be forgotten…..even if its never talked about and you go on to make a decent life with your spouse. How much better could it have been IF…..

There are things spewing out of my brain that have built up over the years. I am acknowledging and feeling the things that I have stuffed down for so long in my betrayal of myself, my ideals, my values.

You see…..

I bought into the crap that…

I was fat…

I didn’t understand him…

I wasn’t “There” for him…..

and so, the worst betrayal was of myself.

and so, long after the divorce, I am acknowledging the anger and the rage I felt for so many years. I am mourning the loss of years. I am mourning the loss of the person I could have been had I kicked his ass to the curb years earlier.

A blog is, by definition, a site where an individual posts thoughts, opinions, musings, rants, what have you. Therefore, this blog is all about me. Not you singular nor you plural.

For many years, I have written essays, chatty blogs, the beginnings of books never finished.

I have written essays  in which I emotionally distanced myself from the subject matter in an attempt to “see all sides”, remain rational.

No More. As I said, this is all about me. Faults, fat, wrinkles and all.